Conflict Resolution 101 [solutions inside!]

Nobody likes being in conflict. Especially in a relationship that matters a lot.  

Conflict happens when there are two needs that seem to be in contrast.  

Instead of looking into both side’s needs and trying to find a way to meet them both, demands start flying and communication shuts down.

So what is going on?

One side (we’ll call them the “sender”),  believes their boundaries have been breached. This feels dangerous, danger which automatically elicits a “fight” response.

The other side (the “receiver”), gets activated because he/she recognizes the sender’s “fight” as an attack. The automatic response is to fight back, split, fawn or freeze. But no matter which response the “receiver” chooses, these responses aren’t conducive to conflict resolution. 

That’s because it’s hard to find solutions when both sides are in a state of dysregulation.

The good news is that it only takes one side to stop this cycle.

And the great part is, if you’re the one to recognize what’s happening, you don’t have to wait for the other side to “come into their senses”.

Instead, start doing whatever you need to do to regulate your system. Maybe you need a break. Maybe you need to feel your connection to the ground or to your breath. Maybe you can remember the other person is not your enemy. 

Next, find a way to de-escalate things by remembering that the sender’s system is presently under attack (imagined or real). Then you can co-regulate by saying or doing things that will prove to their system that you’re safe. 

That doesn’t mean you have to become a doormat or give up on your needs. 

On the contrary: you need to find a way to say what you need as well, maybe starting with the need not to be attacked. 

Here’s an example: “I care about our relationship and I want us to find a way to get both of our needs met but it’s really hard for me to do that when you say that I’m X”. 

Saying that you care tends to soothe nervous systems and it goes a long way towards finding a sustainable solution.