Perfectionism bomb, diffused

I constantly integrate new techniques into my current practice. And honestly, it’s a challenge because there’s a story that I tell myself. That story is that there’s only one way to do things.

Sound familiar? Welcome to the world of black or white (hello trauma response!)

I noticed that after my last supervision session I felt quite sunk. It stood in stark contrast to the way I felt just before the session: elated and proud of all the good work that I got to do as a therapist that week.

I decided to do some process work around why I felt so down.

I tried to remember what triggered the sunk feeling. It wasn’t anything about what my therapist said but rather about my interpretation, which sounded like this:

“You thought you did well but there’s clearly a better way to lead your clients and you missed it.”

It felt like an external voice. Viscous, familiar and sneaky. It comes in without notice.

My therapist asked me if I could see it as an image.

I saw a squiggly line with an arrow head at the end and it came in from my right side.

As I said this I started tearing, trembling and shaking.

My therapist asked more about my image, but I started feeling pressure in my head from trying to focus my mental energy.

It felt like I needed to spend more time letting the emotional charge move through me before I could relate to it. My bodymind was only able to move on to this next piece when it was on its own terms in due time.

And then, it happened. And it was quite mind blowing.

I felt like the only thing I could do with the image was dance with it.

I started to move gently. At first it felt like it was moving me from the inside. Then it felt like I was moving it. Then I started bouncing up and down (I was sitting on a ball).

It felt like I was shaking it loose. It felt good. Like I was more in control.

Then the movement settled and I started noticing that my breath is deeper and more expansive. The slinky was still there but I was creating a lot of space around it by surrounding it with my breath.

Next thing I felt like I was ready to expel it from below.

It took me straight to the memory of giving birth. It was a natural birth and I had full agency over my body which meant that I completely gave into my impulses. It was the most powerful experience I’ve ever had.

I can’t help but think how the wisdom of my bodymind has taken me to that experience to remind me of how I fully trusted my body impulses and how my power lies exactly in those.

The lesson?

I get to prioritize my internal impulses over anything external.