Wait... Why Did That Turn Me On?

This is one of the most common and tender questions I hear in my practice:

Is something wrong with me if I get turned on by a fantasy I’d never actually want in real life?

Sometimes it’s a power dynamic that would be unacceptable in reality.

Sometimes it’s a taboo, or a scenario that clashes with the person’s values.

Sometimes it’s a scene that, if it actually happened, would feel violating, boring, overwhelming—or just… not hot.

And yet, the fantasy brings arousal.

🌀Cue the shame spiral.

🌀Cue the What does this say about me?

🌀Cue the desire to hide that part of oneself forever.

So let’s take a deep breath together and name something important:

Your fantasies are not a problem. They’re a portal.

One of the most misunderstood truths about sexuality is this:

Being aroused by something in your imagination doesn’t mean you want it to happen in real life.

Fantasy is a space where your psyche gets to explore feeling states—not literal scenarios.

It’s where your erotic mind plays with control, risk, power, surrender, attention, adoration, taboo, transgression… all in a sandbox where nothing actually happens unless you choose it.

This is why fantasy doesn’t equal consent.

And why shame around fantasy is almost always misplaced.

In my coaching practice, which is based on the Somatica® method,  we talk about something called Core Desires —those deep, emotional themes that live at the heart of your arousal.

These are not conscious choices.

You didn’t pick your Core Desires the way you’d pick a favorite color.

They’re shaped by your personal history, attachment experiences, identity, wounding, resilience, and your longing to feel fully *alive* in connection.

Some people are turned on by being in control.

Some by surrender.

Some are taboo.

Some by being cherished, worshipped, humiliated, teased, exposed, overwhelmed, restrained, adored, chosen…

Your erotic mind uses fantasy to deliver you those Core Desires—sometimes in wild, surprising, or exaggerated forms.

And no, you’re not “weird” for it. You’re human.

Sometimes we *do* want to bring elements of our fantasies into real-life play—in safe, negotiated, fully consensual ways.

And sometimes we don’t.

Both are okay.

The important thing is that you don’t have to be ashamed of what turns you on.

You don’t have to disown your fantasy life just because it doesn’t match your values, your real-world preferences, or your relationships.

What you *can* do is get curious.

🧚 What is this fantasy giving me emotionally?

🧚 What’s the *feeling* underneath it—freedom, power, danger, safety, rebellion, closeness, attention?

And: is there a way to experience that feeling in your body or your relationships in a way that feels good, safe, and real?

You are not broken. You’re complex and worthy of exploration.

If you’ve ever felt afraid of your own fantasies… I want you to know:

You don’t have to figure this out alone.

You don’t have to push it away or act on it.

There’s a middle path: exploration, understanding, integration.

And I’d love to walk that path with you.

I offer a compassionate, shame-free space to explore your desires, your fantasies, your fears—and your full erotic self.

Let’s talk about what’s real for you, and what’s possible.