What I learned last week

Last week I participated in a Somatica® immersion retreat, led by Celeste and Danielle, the co-founders of the method.

I can’t begin to express the richness of the experience. These two magnificent divas packed the retreat with juicy experiences designed to deepen both our own intimacy skills and our skills as practitioners.

But one of the greatest gifts for me was simply being surrounded by people who speak the same intimacy language.

I now approach intimacy in a way that is still radically different from what most of the world around me practices, less concerned with what relationships are supposed to look like, and much more interested in desire, choice, consent, pleasure, and what actually works for the people involved.

Being in a room full of people who understand that language without explanation creates an enormous sense of relief. It breaks the isolation.

I also got to notice how much I’ve grown since I attended this retreat two years ago.

I felt more confident. More grounded. More solid in my presence. And I got to experience how attractive that groundedness and confidence felt to the people around me.

I’ve been trying to identify the single most influential thing Celeste and Danielle have given me over the years, and I think I finally landed on it:

They are absolutely fierce about slaying shame.

Not only shame around sexuality and desire, but shame around the choices we make about relationships, intimacy, and our lives.

For years, I was deeply invested in figuring out the right way to live my life. Until I met these two.

They really stand behind the idea that there is no one right way.

With these two, somehow, there is nothing about you that needs to be made wrong.

There is no one way you are supposed to be.

No one way you are supposed to love.

No one way you are supposed to desire.

No one way you are supposed to live.

Your choices make sense when we understand the circumstances, wounds, needs, and desires underneath them. Trying to change the way you love simply because some invisible rule says it’s not okay can be incredibly difficult, and maybe it’s not even necessary.

It becomes less about trying to change our tendencies and more about asking: Knowing our tendencies, how can we embrace who we are and optimize our situation? How can we maximize the pleasure we get from it and minimize the harm? How can we make it a conscious choice? How can we even have fun with it?

I’ve learned to question some of the things popular psychology quickly labels “unhealthy.”

Choosing a romantic partner who is a bit of an avoidant, for example, may be something a therapist, friend, or Instagram relationship expert would immediately tell you to stop doing.

But what if you know that’s what you’re choosing? What if you understand what you’re getting from it? What if that relationship fulfills a core desire that ignites your turn-on, keeps you engaged and alive, and, knowing the tradeoffs, you decide it’s worth it?

Who gets to tell you that you’re doing your life wrong?

This is one of the things I love most about the Somatica® approach.

We don’t tell people what to do. We help them see what they’re doing when they can’t see it yet, understand what their choices are doing for them, and recognize that there are other choices available, without automatically sorting them into “healthy” and “unhealthy,” “good” and “bad,” or “right” and “wrong.”

We give people full permission to keep choosing exactly what they’re choosing, without secretly hoping they’ll eventually choose something “healthier” or steering them toward the life we would choose for them.

And if and when they decide that a choice no longer serves them, we support them in exploring another one.

I think this may be one of the most paradoxical things I’ve learned:

The only real possibility for change begins with radical acceptance, and radical acceptance means not requiring change.

You don’t accept yourself so that you can finally fix yourself.

You accept yourself because, given everything that has shaped you, who you are and what you choose make sense.

And from there, something new might become possible.

As someone who’s been an acceptance seeker all my life, I think this is why this approach has changed me so profoundly.

I came away from this retreat realizing that this is the kind of practitioner, and human, I most want to be:

A shame warrior.

For my clients.

For the people I love.

And, increasingly, for myself.