Why I stopped asking “what are we”?

Lately, I’ve been experimenting with something different in my dating life.

For a long time, I dreaded “the conversation.”

You know the one.

“What are we?”

Every time it came up, I felt like one of us was supposed to predict the future. Were we dating? Partners? Casual? Serious? Headed somewhere? Nowhere?

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I wasn’t actually looking for a label.

I was looking for clarity.

So recently, I tried something different.

Instead of asking, “What are we?” I asked, “What are we building?”

That small shift completely changed the conversation.

Instead of trying to define something that was still unfolding, we started talking about what each of us hoped to create.

Not promises.

Not expectations.

Just desires.

And I realized something else.

When someone asks me what I’m looking for, I’ve often answered with words like consistency, connection, and emotional intimacy.

The problem is that those words mean something different to everyone.

So now I’m trying to be much more concrete.

Instead of saying I want consistency, I might say:

“I love relationships where we naturally stay in touch throughout the week.”

Instead of saying I want emotional intimacy:

“I enjoy being interested in each other’s lives, not just each other’s bodies.”

Instead of saying I want predictability:

“I like making plans ahead of time and feeling like we both intend to keep them.”

Those aren’t expectations.

They’re simply descriptions of the kind of relationship that feels nourishing to me.

Another thing I’m learning is that these conversations aren’t meant to eliminate uncertainty.

They’re meant to increase clarity.

Because here’s the trap I’ve fallen into before:

I’d ask someone what they wanted, hear an answer that sounded wonderful, and immediately start imagining a future.

Now I’m trying to slow myself down.

People usually answer with good intentions.

Sometimes they’re describing who they hope they’ll become.

Sometimes they’re describing what they genuinely want but don’t yet have the capacity to build.

Neither of those makes them dishonest.

It just means that words are only one piece of information.

The rest comes from watching what happens next.

Do we naturally stay connected?

Do we both make room for each other?

Do we become part of each other’s everyday lives?

Do our actions gradually resemble what we said we wanted?

I’ve stopped trying to get certainty from one conversation.

Instead, I’m letting the relationship reveal itself over time.

Ironically, that feels much more secure.

So maybe the goal isn’t to leave “the conversation” knowing exactly what the relationship is.

Maybe the goal is simply to understand what you’re each hoping to build, and then pay attention to whether you’re actually building it together.

Because relationships aren’t defined by the promises we make.

They’re defined by the patterns we create.