Breaking up doesn't have to mean breaking away

Often when a love relationship comes to a place where old agreements don’t work anymore a breakup happens.

Let’s challenge this notion.

The black or white thinking in our culture makes you believe you’re either with a person or not.

Even if you’ve been with them for a big chunk of your life, a break up means that’s over.

Where did we get this idea from?

How can one person be so dear one moment and gone the next?

Obviously each new “arrangement” is different, and for some, no contact makes sense. Especially if they’re not safe or there’s been a lot of suffering prior to the “breakup”.

But what if we could see the drama generated around a breakup is really meant to cover up the deep heartbreak?

It’s painful to recognize we can’t be together in the same way anymore.

There’s a lot of letting go that needs to happen to find our center again, and that brings grief and fear of the unknown - and attachment wounds get triggered.

These are really strong feelings that we’re not ready to feel yet.

So instead we get resentful, we hate, we eliminate, we even get vindictive.

I want to offer another way.

If we allow ourselves to fully feel the heartbreak and the fear, we don’t need to shut anyone off. There are some situations where it is necessary for our mental health, but it can be damaging to our spirit.

Allowing ourselves to stay open, if it’s safe, allows us to see how the relationship needs to change structurally, but we can keep its essence.

There are creative ways to alter a relationship.

One married couple that got a divorce, and started dating again once they had their own places.

Others stay together because they care about each other too much or they decide to raise their kids together but find their romantic and sexual needs elsewhere.

Maybe you know someone who has a unique relationship structure or you’ve figured out your own.

As a Somatic Sex and Relationship coach I love to collect these creative solutions so I can offer them to my clients. Feel free to share your story in the comments.

Every person can always stay in your heart.

If you share special moments together they are a part of you. You carry them in your body and nothing can change that. Not even the other. Even if they are the ones who decide they don’t want to see you ever again.