Embarrassed by what you want? Let’s turn that around.

Wanting can be a wonderful thing. It’s the seed of motivation and growth.

The trouble is not the wanting itself. The trouble enters when we get attached to having something we can’t have.

So how can we create more space around the wanting so we don’t get so attached to the outcome?

First, acknowledge wanting as something desirable.

When we’re young what we want mostly is people - being close and connected. We want that and we’re not afraid to show it.

Sometimes when children have big feelings about not having what they want, they’re actually working through the disappointment of not having people as fully as they’d like.

The truth is, we keep wanting the same thing as we grow but it’s not always as obvious. 

Something happens along the way.

We get the message that it’s not ok to want so much. We get humiliated for showing the wanting. 

Maybe the people we want aren’t as available as we expected. Maybe they can’t take our “neediness” or the show of dissatisfaction when we don’t get to have our desired level of closeness. 

They start making this wanting a bad thing, and we follow suit as a way to hold on to whatever connection is there. 

Since the exiled parts of our experience tend to persist, the thing to do is to welcome the part that wants back fully. 

One particular opportunity is when you find yourself attracted to someone that you’re not “supposed” to be attracted to.

First, tune into your body and notice what happens when you think about that person. 

You might notice that there’s a lot going on. That’s perfectly normal. It’s probably stirring up all the early wanting you didn’t get to experience and express fully. 

Now you get to be the adult you didn’t have around you growing up, cheering you on as you get to want your heart out. 

Then you can develop the capacity to hold all that wanting in your body. 

You can learn this through somatic work. 

Sooner or later you might also have a voice pop up and say some version of “don’t think you get to have this though”. Dealing with this voice is part of the work too.