How I transformed “Self-love” from a theoretical concept into an embodied experience.

Yesterday I was experiencing emotional pain on an overwhelming level.

The emotional pain is about something in my life that’s triggering early experiences of abandonment and neglect.

And when I say “triggering”, I mean big time triggering.

In my therapy session I addressed the pain. It felt so big and uncomfortable.

I didn’t know how to go about it.

I wanted it to go away but I knew I had to be with it in order for it to transform. But how the hell was I supposed to do that?

When I expressed that the pain feels unbearable my therapist skillfully offered: “What’s something in this universe that is so big and expansive that can hold this pain”?

Is it the heavens? The oceans?

No, it’s right here.

My hand goes to my chest and my body starts the subtlest of rocks.

My witness is here and there’s a sense that it’s able to contain this pain.

I’m experiencing it as an immense hole in my belly that’s sucking my breath away.

There’s no need to make it go away, quite the opposite. There’s a strong desire to feel it exactly the way it is without fearing I’ll fall apart.

I shake involuntarily. It’s mixed with small gasps of air and some tears.

My body starts to release the sympathetic charge that comes with living with this level of neglect in my body.

A pause to feel the witness, the container, and back to the shaking.

Back and forth between short bouts of shaking and pausing to notice I’m ok.

I’ve got a lot of healing mileage under my belt, but this felt different.

I was able to be with my pain in a new way. It’s like my witness was able to experience it on a sensation level. As painful as it was, it felt good to do.

I was able to give myself the love I’m craving. It felt like the most loving thing ever done in my direction.

And it came from me.

I gave myself the exact attention I needed when I was little without needing to wait for an external source.

Today I was feeling out of sorts again.

I slowed down and my bodymind remembered this experience and was able to deal with it in a similar way.

I’m so grateful for Somatic work.