Is This My Old Wound, or Is Something Happening Now?
Sometimes a small rupture in a new relationship doesn’t feel small at all.
I’ve been thinking about why. And one answer I keep coming back to is this: Sometimes we aren’t only responding to what’s happening now. We’re responding to what happened before.
I know this intimately in my own dating life.
I’ve experienced people disappearing from relationships without explanation. And when you’ve had that experience, silence from someone new can carry much more weight than silence alone.
A few hours without hearing from someone can become: Are they pulling away? Did I do something wrong? Are they going to disappear too?
The present moment touches an old wound, and suddenly the emotional intensity can feel much bigger than the situation in front of us seems to warrant.
Two Ways We Can Misread What's Happening
But I’ve also learned that there are two mistakes I can make when this happens.
One is to assume that because I feel abandoned, I am being abandoned.
The other is to go too far in the opposite direction and tell myself: This is just my attachment stuff. I shouldn’t need anything.
Neither one is particularly helpful.
Because sometimes two things are true.
An old wound has been activated. And there may be something happening in the present relationship that I genuinely want to address.
Maybe I really do want more communication. Maybe something that happened didn’t feel good. Maybe I need reassurance, clarity, or repair.
My history can amplify my reaction without making my present-day needs illegitimate.
That distinction has become incredibly important to me.
Making Room for Both the Past and the Present
Instead of asking only, Is this my old stuff or is this about them? I’m trying to ask, What belongs to my history, and what belongs to this relationship?
Maybe the old wound is telling me: They haven’t responded, therefore they’re going to abandon me.
While the present-day me is saying: I would like more communication than this.
Those are different things. And repair gives us somewhere to bring both.
Sometimes I need to give myself a little time to settle before I can tell the difference. When the initial intensity softens, I can get curious about what's actually happening between us. What do I know, and what am I assuming? Is there something I want to ask for, regardless of what my history is bringing up?
I can take responsibility for the stories I create when my nervous system gets activated without pretending I don't have needs.
I can say, Something old got activated in me. And also, There's something I'd like from you going forward.
That's very different from asking another person to heal our wounds for us.
It's letting them know us.
And maybe that's one of the most vulnerable parts of intimacy: Learning to recognize when the past has entered the room without letting it become the only voice in the conversation.
I'm curious whether you recognize this in your own relationships. Can you tell the difference between what belongs to the past and what you genuinely need in the present?
Learning to Stay Connected Through Difficult Moments
Recognizing what gets activated in us is one thing. Knowing how to stay connected and find our way back to each other when things get difficult is another.
That's exactly what Lara Lark and I will be exploring in The Art of Fighting Well, our experiential online workshop on Sunday, December 13, from 11 AM–1 PM ET.
We'll practice navigating conflict in ways that deepen trust and connection rather than creating more distance.
Open to individuals and couples. Space is limited to 12 participants.