Is this what they call a mid-life crisis?
Some of you know that I just turned 49 a couple of weeks ago. As I enter into my 50th year I’m overwhelmed by big questions of belonging, purpose, and worth. Is this what they call a mid-life crisis? It’s like I’m questioning everything. I’m starting to wonder whether I need to re-shuffle the cards and introduce some radical changes to my life or if it means there’s just some more emotional and spiritual work to be done.
“I feel exhausted,” I said to my somatic therapist yesterday. “I feel like it has something to do with needing to justify my existence. I’m pushing hard and I’m not getting the feedback that I want. I feel like maybe I need to stop and just allow myself to be but this thought is terrifying. I don’t know who I will be and what I’ll do with myself if I stop”.
Let’s see if you can make room in your body to feel the exhaustion.
Long pause. Feeling. Sensing. Tears.
“Can you think of an animal or any other being to bring as a guide to support you in this place of exhaustion?”
Smile.
“I just spent some time this weekend with my little cousin Johnny. He’s a year and a half old. I just followed him around and gave him my undivided attention. He drank it up right away and allowed me to be part of his world for a little bit. I think I’ll bring him as my guide”.
I’m seeing snapshots of Johnny doing his thing. Just being himself. Not trying to make anything happen. Not worrying about what is next. Not doubting his decisions.
Tears.
“You seem touched. What is it about Johnny that is touching you?”
“His innocence, curiosity, playfulness, oppeneness, looking out for connection”.
“Beautiful. Is there a place in you where you can find these qualities?”
“I think there probably is. Otherwise I wouldn’t be so touched by little Johnny. I probably was like that too and still am somewhere in there”.
“Can you let yourself connect to your innocent, curious, playful, open and connection-seeking self?”
Searching in my body. More tears. Relief.
“If little Johnny is your guide, what do you think is his message to you”?
“The message is “Follow me”. Not just physically, as I did in the small amount of time we spent together, but metaphorically. Allow your curiosity and openness to guide you. There’s no need to try so hard, to push all the time”
I’m not a %100 sure yet what this means to my current existential dilemma but what I do know is that if I keep embodying the little Johanny that lives in me and bringing him to different situations in my life, I might get some more clarity on how to proceed around my big life questions.
As a matter of fact, this morning I woke up with some fresh ideas about some new things I want to try after feeling stuck and uninspired for a while. I think my subconscious got to work on this problem overnight with the new possibilities offered by the embodiment experience that I had in the session earlier and I woke up with not only those new ideas but also with a clear message to follow them and stop doubting myself.
As I’m writing this I can clearly see the connection between what happened in the session and the new frame of mind that I woke up with today. I wasn’t aware that this is not just a coincidence until I sat down to write this, so thank you for being there to listen and help integrate my process :)
As much as I feel vulnerable sharing my process, I like doing this because I think that being honest and vulnerable is what actually allows others to identify themselves in these common situations and maybe understand the usefulness of doing this kind of embodied healing work in dealing and resolving life issues.
As always, I love hearing what you have to say about what I wrote and if you would like to learn more about ways in which you can get involved in this kind of work please feel free to write back