Not feeling safe in bed? This will help.

Most people intuitively understand that in order to experience true pleasure, we need to feel safe.

Our nervous system won’t allow us to relax and open up to sensation if we’re in a state of fear or tension.

If you don’t feel emotionally or physically safe with a partner, or if your body is bracing for some kind of threat, pleasure can feel elusive or even impossible.

But what’s less obvious—and just as powerful—is that the connection between safety and pleasure isn’t one-way.

Pleasure doesn’t just require safety; it can *create* it.

When we consciously choose to lean into pleasure, even in small ways, we send a message to our nervous system that we’re safe.

Pleasure—whether it’s the warmth of sunlight on your skin, the taste of something delicious, or the rush of sexual aliveness—can soften our defenses and build a sense of inner safety over time.

This creates a positive feedback loop.

Experiencing pleasure calms the nervous system → which helps us feel safer → which then makes it easier to experience even more pleasure.

When we choose to allow pleasure, we cultivate a deep inner sense of trust—both in ourselves and in our capacity to receive joy without bracing for something to go wrong.

As a somatic sex and relationship coach, I help my clients explore this connection directly.

Through breath, touch, movement, and mindful awareness, I guide you to notice where your body feels tense or guarded and how to gently invite relaxation through pleasurable sensation.

This might look like slowing down during intimate touch to feel where the body naturally wants to open, or helping a client track the subtle shift from guardedness to softening as they follow the thread of pleasure.

The protective parts of us are trying to keep us safe.

That’s why they resist pleasure.

When those parts realize that pleasure can be a source of safety rather than a threat, they begin to soften.

This is how pleasure becomes not just an outcome of safety—but a pathway toward it.

This process isn’t about bypassing discomfort or forcing pleasure when it isn’t there.

It’s about learning to trust that pleasure can be a guide, a resource, and even a form of healing.

And when we make the choice, again and again, to move toward pleasure—especially in the face of old patterns of bracing or shutting down—we’re not only opening ourselves to more joy.

We’re also building a foundation of safety that allows us to experience life more fully.