Pleasing isn’t sexy. Presence is.

One of the most common traps I see in the bedroom - especially among people who care deeply about their partner’s pleasure is trying too hard to please.

It’s understandable. You want your partner to feel good. You want to be “good” at sex. (I mean, who doesn’t?)

You want them to feel desired, satisfied, cherished. But here’s the paradox: the more you focus on doing it right for the other person, the more you tend to disconnect from yourself.

And when you’re not in your body, you’re not actually able to feel what's alive, what’s true, or what’s pleasurable - for either of you.

From a somatic perspective, tuning in to your own felt sense - your breath, sensations, arousal, boundaries, emotions - is essential to being attuned to someone else.

That’s because presence is contagious.

When you’re embodied, you create a kind of resonance in the space.

Your partner can feel it. It’s not about what technique you use or whether you hit the “right” spot - it’s the quality of your presence that creates turn-on, trust, and connection.

Pleasing, on the other hand, often comes from a performance mindset. It pulls you into your head, makes you monitor how you’re doing, and blocks your capacity to listen - to the micro-signals of your partner’s body, to your own pleasure, and to the relational field between you.

It becomes a one-way transmission, rather than a shared, co-created experience.

Want to be truly good in bed? Start with this:

Come home to your body.

Let your own pleasure be part of the feedback loop.

Trust that attunement comes not from doing more, but from being more present.

This shift can feel vulnerable, especially if you’ve learned that your worth is tied to how well you can please others. But I promise you: presence > performance, every time.

As a somatic sex & relationship coach, I can help you reconnect with your body, unwind people-pleasing patterns, and cultivate the kind of intimacy that feels nourishing, alive, and mutual.