The test that predicts your relationship’s future

How can you tell if a relationship is most likely to last?

According to decades of research from the Gottman Institute, it’s not shared values, communication skills, or even how much you fight.
It’s whether you know how to Repair after rupture.

Many people believe that if a relationship is healthy enough, rupture won’t happen.
That’s a myth. Rupture is not a failure; it’s the inevitable result of two nervous systems, histories, and protective strategies being in close intimacy.

The couples who last aren’t the ones who never hurt each other.
They’re the ones who know how to come back after hurt, again and again.

Repair doesn’t mean saying “sorry” quickly or explaining yourself better.
At the heart of Repair is the part most people struggle with the most: acknowledging impact without defensiveness.

A Repair attempt is the moment someone prioritizes the relationship over being right by acknowledging the impact of their behavior without defensiveness.

Being able to say, “I see how that landed for you,”
without justifying, correcting, minimizing, or counterattacking
is one of the strongest predictors of relational safety.

This is how secure attachment is actually built.
Not by avoiding rupture, but by rupturing and Repairing enough times that your nervous system learns: we can come back, I’m not alone, this bond is safe.

In my practice, I see this again and again.
When couples can’t move on from an issue, it’s rarely because they’re stuck on the content.
It’s because a Repair is still needing to happen, and it hasn’t been done fully or in a way that actually lands.

Most of us were never taught how to do this.
We learned how to protect, withdraw, justify, escalate, or shut down, not how to Repair.

In my practice, Repair is a somatic process, not just a verbal one.
We work with the nervous system, protective strategies, and empathy so Repair can finally complete, and so trust, closeness, and desire can return.

If you didn’t grow up seeing Repair modeled, you’re not broken.
You’re untrained.

Repair is a skill.
And it can be learned in relationships, and within yourself.