S*x knows what therapy misses

Did you know that you can heal some of your deepest wounds through s-x?

Not by having “better” s-x.

Not by fixing yourself.

But by understanding why certain experiences keep calling to you in the first place.

In my work as a Somatic S*x and Relationship coach, I see this again and again.

S-x doesn’t just reveal our wounds, it often holds the exact medicine our psyche has been trying to access all along.

This is where Core Desires come in.

Core Desires are often misunderstood as universal human needs. In my work, I see them as something much more specific and personal.

They are shaped by how we were wounded.

They are the psyche’s subconscious attempt to heal those wounds through pleasure, connection, and embodied experience.

They are not random.

They are not pathological.

They are purposeful.

Your Core Desires reflect what you most longed to feel and didn’t get, and what your system is now seeking to feel when you go to s-x.

Many people come to me confused about why they keep wanting the same kinds of s-xual experiences, even after years of personal growth. This framework often brings a deep sense of relief. Nothing is wrong with you. Your system is trying to heal.

In my work, I see two primary pathways through which Core Desires can be met, and both can happen through s-x.

One pathway is resolution.

Resolution happens when an old wound finally receives the emotional experience it didn’t get the first time, allowing the nervous system to soften and reorganize.

In s-x, this can look like being slowed down when you were once rushed.

Being cherished when you were once overlooked.

Being adored where you were once ignored.

Being allowed to need, want, and receive without having to earn it.

When resolution happens, there is often a sense of settling. The urgency around the pattern decreases.

The second pathway is repetition with agency.

This pathway recognizes something many healing models overlook. Some desires are not meant to disappear.

Some wounds don’t fully resolve, not because we are broken, but because those early experiences shaped our erotic and relational wiring.

Repetition with agency means consciously choosing to re-enter a familiar pattern with awareness, consent, and power, rather than being unconsciously driven by it.

In s-x, this might look like intentionally playing with power dynamics, surrender, pursuit, pleasing, being taken, or being needed, while staying connected to your body, your boundaries, and your yes.

The same dynamic that once felt painful or overwhelming can become nourishing when:

you want it,

you choose it,

you have voice and boundaries,

and you can stop or renegotiate at any moment.

This is very different from repetition without agency.

Repetition without agency often feels compulsive or collapsing. You may feel pulled into situations you didn’t choose, lose your voice, or leave feeling shame, confusion, or emptiness.

Repetition with agency, even when the desire is edgy or intense, tends to leave you feeling more alive, more embodied, and more connected to yourself.

This is also where a lot of shaming shows up.

Desires that involve power, intensity, being used, overtaken, needed, approved of, or chosen are often labeled unhealed or trauma driven.

In my work, I see something else entirely.

When there is choice, consent, and agency, repetition can be a legitimate and powerful way the psyche heals through pleasure.

There is no hierarchy here.

For some people, resolution through s-x brings safety and rest.

For others, repetition with agency brings aliveness and vitality.

For many people, both are needed at different times, sometimes even within the same relationship.

The real questions aren’t:

Is this desire healed yet?

They are:

Do I have choice?

Do I have agency?

Am I meeting my Core Desires in ways that honor my nervous system instead of shaming it?