What Gives a Relationship Staying Power

Do you find yourself doing everything you can to avoid conflict in your meaningful relationships?

Avoiding conflict is one of the strategies we can adopt when tension arises in a relationship.

And there are so many reasons it can make sense.

Maybe anger didn’t feel safe in your family growing up.

Maybe you learned that being easy, agreeable, or undemanding was the best way to stay connected.

Maybe someone being upset with you feels like a threat that they might leave.

Maybe you’re afraid that expressing what you really need will hurt or disappoint someone you love.

Maybe past attempts to address problems have only led to defensiveness, escalation, or more hurt.

Or maybe you simply never learned how to have conflict in a way that actually leads somewhere.

I used to avoid conflict as much as I possibly could.

And honestly, I can still find myself doing it when I sense that I can’t bring myself fully into a connection.

The roots of that strategy run deep into my past, and it made a lot of sense back then.

What’s changed is that I no longer believe avoiding conflict is what keeps a relationship safe.

These days, whether or not I can work through an issue with someone I’m seeing has become an early indicator of the potential longevity of that relationship, and whether this is a person I can feel safe with.

I teach the people I’m close to the repair process I use when something becomes tense.

And their response tells me a lot.

Are they even open to the idea that conflict is something we can learn to navigate differently?

Can they stay with me when something is uncomfortable?

Can they hear my experience without immediately defending themselves?

Can they tell me theirs?

Are they willing to try something different when what we’re doing isn’t working?

And can we find our way back to each other after something has gone wrong?

I’m not looking for relationships without conflict anymore.

I’m looking for relationships where conflict doesn’t mean we lose each other.

Because knowing that we can find our way through an issue together is a big part of what allows me to feel safe and cared for in a relationship.

And I’m curious about you.

When conflict shows up in a relationship that matters to you, what’s the hardest part?

Do you move toward it?

Do you shut down, get defensive, try to fix it quickly, or find yourself doing everything you can to make it go away?

Hit reply and tell me. I’d genuinely love to hear what conflict brings up for you.

Warmly,
Odelia

P.S. This is something I’ll be talking about a lot more over the next couple of months. My friend and colleague Lara and I are teaching an online workshop on December 13 called The Art of Fighting Well, where we’ll be teaching an embodied approach to conflict and repair that has completely changed the way I navigate my own relationships. If this is something you’d like to get better at, you can learn more HERE