“Yeah, but you do it too…”
One of the most common patterns I see - both in my practice and in my own relationships - is this:
One partner brings an upset…
And the other responds with: “Yeah, but you do that too.”
Or worse - uses it as an opening to bring up another hurt.
Suddenly, the original feeling gets lost.
And the conversation turns into a quiet competition over who’s more wrong.
No one feels heard.
No one softens.
And nothing actually gets resolved.
I see this all the time because it’s such a human reflex.
When someone points out something we did that hurt them -
our nervous system often hears:
“You’re bad.”
“You’re failing.”
“You’re the problem.”
So we defend.
We justify.
We counterattack.
Not because we don’t care…
But because we feel exposed.
I had a moment like this recently.
My partner told me that when he asked me a sensitive question, I shut him down.
And he was right. I did. I was triggered.
But inside, I felt this immediate wave of annoyance:
“You do this all the time.”
And I had to really pause.
Because I knew: if I said that in that moment we would lose the thread completely.
Instead, I chose something different.
I stayed with his experience.
I let myself feel the impact of what he was sharing.
And I owned my part.
Not because it was “fair.”
Not because I don’t get to have my own feelings.
But because that moment needed something else.
It needed him to feel heard.
It needed repair.
It needed me to stay present instead of making it about me.
When you respond to your partner’s hurt with your own complaint:
You interrupt their vulnerability
You signal: “Your feelings aren’t safe here”
You escalate defensiveness on both sides
And you miss the opportunity for repair
Even if your point is valid…timing is everything.
In my practice, we work with something that can feel deceptively simple:
👉 Stay with one person’s experience at a time.
That means:
Listen for the feeling underneath the complaint
Track the impact you had (even if it wasn’t your intention)
Offer empathy before explanation
Take responsibility for your part
And trust that your turn will come.
Because when someone feels fully received they are far more capable of hearing you in return.
This is how you move from power struggle → connection.
This is the kind of micro-moment that changes everything in relationships.
Not grand gestures.
Not perfect communication.
But the ability to stay open when it would be so much easier to defend.
In my work as a Somatica-trained s*x and relationship coach,
I help people build the capacity to:
✨ stay present in triggering moments
✨ communicate without collapsing or attacking
✨ create safety for both partners to be heard
✨ and turn conflict into deeper intimacy
If you recognize yourself in this pattern, you’re not alone and this is absolutely something you can learn.