You don’t need anyone else’s validation?

A common message in popular psychology is: “You need to build an unshakable sense of being lovable and desirable from within, without relying on others.”

While there’s truth to the value of cultivating inner knowing, I question the idea.

The reality is: we learn that we are lovable through others.

As infants, our caregivers’ gaze, tone, touch, and delight in us become the raw material from which our sense of self-worth is formed. We internalize their attitude toward us and carry it forward.

Eventually, we want to grow that inner anchor.

But the path there doesn’t always come from bypassing our need for outside affirmation. Sometimes, it comes from leaning into those affirmations more fully.

In dating, for instance, if you don’t yet have a steady sense of your own desirability, every rejection might feel like “proof” that you’re unlovable.

And even when you DO receive evidence of being wanted, a smile, a compliment, a touch, you might struggle to let it in.

What if, instead of dismissing those moments or craving more, you used them as medicine?

What if you let them rewire your nervous system?

🌹 A Mini-Exercise to Try 🌹

Next time someone shows you interest or delight, maybe it’s a lingering look, a warm smile, or a tender word, pause and notice how your body responds.

Pause. Instead of rushing forward, let yourself linger in the moment.

Breathe. Inhale slowly through your nose, exhale with a sigh. Imagine you’re breathing the affirmation right into your chest or belly.

Sensualize. Notice what sensations come alive: warmth, tingles, softness, opening. Allow them to expand through your body as if you’re being caressed from the inside.

Savor. Whisper to yourself, “This is for me. I deserve this” Let your body register it as nourishment, not just a fleeting interaction.

Anchor. Place your hand on your heart, genitals, or any place that feels alive. Feel the pleasure and aliveness there, letting it root the message: “I am lovable. I am desired.”

By savoring these micro-moments of affirmation, you teach your body and nervous system to recognize and remember your inherent desirability. Over time, this can become the foundation of that internal knowing we all long for.