Confused about dating? Good. You’re doing it right.

So many people feel pressure to know exactly what they want before they start dating.

There’s this cultural script that says you’re supposed to announce your intentions upfront and stick to them: “I’m looking for a long-term monogamous partner,” or “I want marriage and kids.”

And for some people, that clarity feels true and grounding. Being able to name what you want right away can help manage expectations, avoid misunderstandings, and save time for everyone involved.

Clear-goal dating is valid and important.

But here’s the part we don’t always talk about: it’s just as valid to not know.

Dating can be exploratory.

It can be a way of discovering yourself as a sexual, intimate, relational being.

You might realize in the process what excites you, what feels nourishing, and what doesn’t. You may uncover desires outside of the mononormative model you grew up with, or simply learn more about your own rhythms of intimacy and connection.

The challenge is that many people feel shame if they don’t already know what they want. Or, they feel pressure to say they want the “acceptable” thing - a committed, monogamous relationship, even if that’s not actually true for them.

Casual dating, for example, is often stigmatized as shallow or “not serious enough.” But for some, casual connections can be deeply fulfilling, playful, and exactly what they need in a given season of life.

When we make choices out of shame or conformity, we cut ourselves off from the relationships and experiences that could bring us alive.

Exploratory dating isn’t about being flaky or indecisive. It’s about giving yourself permission to let go of shame, step outside of cultural expectations, and learn through lived experience.

The most important piece is honesty, letting others know you’re in an exploratory stage, so they can choose if they want to walk that path with you.

And sometimes, even when you do start out with clarity, things can shift. You may meet someone whose presence and connection feel so meaningful that you’re inspired to open up in ways you didn’t plan for, like discovering that polyamory works for you, or that casual intimacy can be deeply nourishing.

The truth is: there isn’t one right way to approach dating. Clear-goal dating and exploratory dating are both valid. What matters is authenticity and communication.

Dating doesn’t have to be about having it all figured out. Sometimes, it’s about giving yourself permission to discover what you truly want, free from shame, free from other people’s expectations, and one connection at a time.