Can’t get past an issue in your relationship? Try this …

If you and your partner can’t seem to move past a certain issue for a long time, chances are something in your history wasn’t dealt with well.

You might think that because you discussed the incident it was taken care of. You might think it wasn’t a big deal for the other person when it was. You might have even apologized but sometimes that’s  just not enough. 

So how can you deal with it? 

When I encounter this kind of dynamics I know true listening is missing. 

People get stuck when one of the partners hasn't experienced a feeling of being fully heard. They’re left with the feeling that their partner doesn't understand how deeply the incident has affected them. 

To move through these stuck moments, listening is key.

Sounds easy enough, right? It’s not.

If it was, couples around the world would be in a much better shape. 

Everybody thinks they know how to listen but there’s listening and there’s *listening*. 

The kind of listening I’m talking about creates the conditions for healing. 

This healing kind of listening assumes the other person is doing their best given their experiences and their history. When you listen like this, you know they have no interest in harming you. You remember you’re on the same team. 

It’s able to stay with what the other person is saying without taking personal offense.

It doesn’t argue with what they’re expressing or defend a position.

It doesn’t predetermine that when a partner wants something, it automatically means you can’t have what you want. 

It is able to identify and summarize the core issue being shared.

It is able to validate a partner’s experience. It can show that their feelings make sense and they matter. 

Sometimes people need to be taught how to listen so others feel heard. That’s part of what I do. 

Teaching people how to listen includes showing people how to regulate their activated nervous system so they can check the boxes above and create a space for healing. 

How about you? What needs to happen in order for you to feel really heard?