How I learned to receive
When I was 5 I stood in my room and told my mom I was bored.
It's interesting which memories stand out. I think I remember this one because it was a defining moment.
My mom opened my closet which was full with toys and said in an irritated voice, "How can you be bored when you have so much stuff?"
That was not what I wanted to hear. I wanted her to say, "Oh sweetie, how about I'll sit down and play with you?"
I was looking for connection, not stuff.
As a young person, because my survival depended on my mom’s approval, there was no way she could be “wrong”., So from this little interaction I concluded that:
Things are more important than people.
What I really want, closeness and connection, isn’t what I need. So I’m not justified in wanting it.
I’m not grateful for what I already have, even if it’s not what I need.
As I'm chipping away at the layers of hurt, I'm realizing that there are ways that my current life is a recreation of these messages.
I’ve lived most of my life not getting what I actually want, and justifying how “OK” I am with that. But I’m not…
I’ve done so much work about being deserving, that I can’t ignore the pain of not experiencing closeness and connection at the level that I really want. I'm ready to break that pattern.
It’s not a theoretical thing anymore. There's something in my actual structure that shifted thanks to the somatic work I've done: my bodymind is ready to accept closeness and connection and prioritize it. I’m no longer willing to brush over what I need, the way I did when I was younger.
I’m now insisting my current life is exactly the way I want it and making it a point to investigate and learn exactly how that looks.
When I'm being offered things I don’t really want, I'm clear it’s not enough. I'm learning to be ok with that.
How did all of this happen?
I grew my ability to hold the good feelings and the challenging ones.
Lots of little moments of slowing down and noticing how good it feels in my body and receiving what it craves.
I’ve also experienced slowing down and embodying the emotions of fear and grief around all the years that it didn’t receive what I needed.
Check out the Somatic Corner below for what’s missing in the “manifesting” talk.