“If they really loved me, they would change”
This belief shows up in almost every relationship at some point, and it creates so much unnecessary suffering.
The truth is that love doesn’t magically give someone the capacity, readiness, or desire to change.
We can absolutely tell our partner what we want, long for, or need… but whether they can or want to offer it is an entirely separate question.
There’s a world of difference between wanting someone to do something and expecting them to do it.
Wanting keeps your heart open. It lets you show up fully and honestly in your desire.
Expecting puts pressure on the other person and assumes they should give you something—regardless of their capacity, history, trauma, or reality.
And sometimes they’re simply not capable of giving us what we’re asking for.
Not because they’re bad or unwilling.
Not because they don’t love us.
But because it’s outside of their nervous system’s bandwidth, their skills, or their values.
It’s not their fault, and it’s not fair to expect someone to do something they truly don’t have the capacity for.
If someone you love can’t meet a need you have, you are not stuck. You have real, empowered options:
Stay, with clarity and consent, recognizing that you will only receive what this person is genuinely capable of giving.
Get the unmet need met elsewhere, ideally with openness and agreements that honor the relationship.
Leave, acknowledging that your longings deserve to be met and that both of you deserve relationships that fit who you truly are.
Change is a gift, not a test of love. When we release the expectation that someone should change for us, we create more honesty, spaciousness, and authentic connection.