You’re not trapped, you’re choosing

In my work as a Somatic S*x & Relationship Coach, I see again and again just how much is possible when it comes to s*xual compatibility.

There is a lot we can do.

More than most people realize.

More than many couples therapists have the training to offer.

With the right tools, we can work directly with:

  • desire discrepancies

  • arousal patterns

  • erotic blocks and shutdown

  • nervous system mismatch

  • shame, trauma, and protective strategies

  • unspoken fantasies and longings

  • the way power, safety, attachment, and pleasure intertwine

Often, what looks like “incompatibility” is actually untapped capacity.

And when couples learn how to meet each other somatically, not just cognitively or emotionally s*xual connection can shift in profound ways.

But here’s the part I don’t bypass.

Sometimes, even after we try everything, the gap doesn’t close.

And pretending otherwise doesn’t serve anyone.

There are relationships where:

  • one partner’s erotic needs remain unmet

  • desire never truly aligns

  • the cost of change becomes higher than the benefit

  • or the s*xual bridge simply can’t be built, no matter how skilled or sincere the effort

When that happens, the work doesn’t end.

It changes.

What I see far more often than people making “the wrong choice”

is people not realizing they’re making a choice at all.

For example:

Staying in a relationship while being sexually unsatisfied.

That is a choice.

A valid one.

But there is a profound difference between:

“I feel stuck here and powerless, like this is happening to me.”

and

“I am choosing to stay because this relationship gives me emotional support, companionship, shared history, family stability, or financial partnership and right now, those matter more to me than s*xual fulfillment.”

Same external reality.

Completely different internal experience.

When you live a reality without acknowledging that you chose it, it often comes with:

  • resentment

  • bitterness

  • victimhood

  • quiet despair

  • a sense of being trapped

When you consciously choose it, even if it’s painful or imperfect, something shifts.

You regain agency.

Agency doesn’t mean your options are great.

Sometimes the choices are:

  • stay and process the disappointment from not getting the s*x you want

  • open the relationship and face unfamiliar terrain

  • get your needs met somewhere else non-consensually and face the consequences if that is discovered

  • shift the relationship and grieve the life you built

Having options doesn’t mean liking them.

It means knowing that no one is forcing you even when the alternatives feel terrifying, disruptive, or deeply sad.

And that awareness alone can soften suffering.

My job isn’t to push you toward a specific outcome.

My job is to help you:

  • fully explore what can be shifted sexually (using tools most professionals don’t have)

  • understand the real limits - not imagined ones

  • name the costs and benefits of each option

  • feel what each path would require of your body, heart, and nervous system

  • and recognize the choice you are making, even when you think you aren’t

Whether you choose:

  • to grieve and accept

  • to outsource consensually

  • to outsource non-consensually

  • to shift the relationship into a new form

I want that choice to be conscious.

Because conscious choice restores dignity, power, and self-trust - even in painful realities.

If you’re wrestling with s*xual incompatibility and feel stuck, numb, resentful, or quietly grieving something you’ve never named…

You don’t have to figure this out alone.

There is room to explore what’s possible and to tell the truth about what may not be.

Sometimes the most healing shift isn’t changing the relationship.

It’s reclaiming your power inside it.

Odelia Shargian