I’ve been sharing a lot lately, here’s why …

Every now and then I share what’s going on with me.

I do that because I want you to know that I have demons just as much as you and that you’re not alone with your struggles.

I don’t want to pretend that everything is hunky dory when it’s not.

I also share because my best learnings as a therapist come from my own work as a client and I believe that I can only be as helpful to people as far as I go in my own process.

Finally, you can see how somatic therapy works and what’s possible in a session.

So here’s what’s going on with me right now. I hope that’s helpful.

I’ve learned to be resourceful when I’m struggling. It might take a moment but I’ll find it.

I’m going through something really difficult right now.

And it’s forcing me to feel something I don’t remember feeling before. The feeling is so strong that it manifests as unbearable physical pain.

It's about loss of connection.

It feels unbearable because it feels like I don’t know what to do with this pain. And it stands in contrast to my usual ability to recruit resource.

All this came from my somatic therapy session:

It feels like a young part in me.

I’m noticing that the physical self I know is being shattered into pieces, like broken glass.

It’s disintegrating. Shifting itself to an unrecognizable form. There’s no container.

My therapist reminds me that when I first came to him I expressed a desire to shift to a new place.

It feels scary as hell.

I feel the fear moving through me as I describe this process of shattering and disintegration. I stay with that and wait.

I start sensing my body as a container.

I see the shattered pieces in my mind’s eye. This time they’re placed inside the container of my body. They’re no longer floating in space.

I stay with this shift.

The shards of glasses are dissolving into a white substance inside the container. They’re getting smaller until they finally disappear.

Shame is present. Shame for feeling like an addict losing her fix around loss of connection. There’s something humiliating about how much I want the connection.

I see the little me now.

I tell her that it’s ok to want that connection. I tell her that I see how important it is for her. I admit that I’m not sure how to make it happen for her yet, but I’m on it. And I won’t stop searching for the connection she craves in exactly the way she wants it.

I feel her relax.

She comes and sits on my lap and I play with her hair. I move into rocking her. No words. I let her know how precious she is through my body.

She feels the love.