The secret about intimacy that no one tells you

Ever had a moment where you completed a challenging task, or found that perfect black dress or created a delicious meal?

That happiness you feel? That JOY? That’s Dopamine.

Whenever we release Dopamine, we feel pleasure. Dopamine, a neurotransmitter (chemical messenger), is released in your brain as part of its rewarding system.

The things you do that create that “feel good” moment (i.e. sex, yummy foods, new clothes, buying jewelry, etc.) increase the release of this “Ah, yes!” hormone.

When Dopamine is released, you expect something rewarding.

Sex is one of the places this happens. A lot.

But there’s a balance to it. And that balance is called The Dual Control Method.

This method is all about the balance between excitation and inhibition. As Emily Nagoski put it, “turn on the ons, turn off the offs.”

It’s like your accelerator (gas pedal) and brakes when it comes to sex.

Your accelerator and brakes are unique to you.

Most of us have been trained to ask, “What gets me going?”

But it’s just as important to know what makes you want to hit the brakes.

And something really important to remember, is that both accelerator and brakes may be activated by non-sexual behaviors.

Yep. What happens outside the bedroom will dictate how much pleasure is found in the bedroom.

Positive sexual experiences will help you identify your contexts; the where, when, who, what, etc.

But in order to enjoy all of that, you need to stay in a zone of safety and relaxation, also known as our Social Engagement Zone, which happens mostly outside the bedroom.

The longer you stay in that zone of safety, the easier it will be to get turned on.

When you’re stuck in your sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight), sex can feel disconnected and overwhelming.

It’s difficult to find pleasure. And forget about getting to that orgasm.

When blood needs to rush out of your core like it does in fight or flight, it will move away from the genitals and your access to pleasure is gone.

Grounding yourself and in breathwork, movement and relaxation will place you into self-pleasure practice and access arousal.

It’s amazing how much there is to learn about pleasure, and how we can access it.