Turning unsexy into sexy
One of the things that makes partnered sex more satisfying is communication during sex.
You may feel like talking to your partner during sex is just about the most unsexy thing in the world but it’s really important. It CAN be sexy and actually part of your foreplay.
It’s important because your partner can’t read your mind, and if you don’t say what you want and how you want it, you might feel unsatisfied.
If that keeps happening, over time you’ll probably build some resentment and/or determine that this is the best it can get or maybe even give up on having sex altogether.
I used to not say anything because I was ashamed and afraid that saying what I want would make my partner feel incompetent or rejected.
Once I overcame the shame, which, to be honest, took a concentrated effort, and once I realized that there are ways to communicate things in a way that would actually deepen the intimacy and turn on the heat, everything changed.
Not only will your sex life become more satisfying, but you learn that your partner might be relieved from all the guesswork and happy to give you what you want.
They may even get a bonus boost to their ego by being able to bring you to new levels of pleasure:
Communicating with your partner about what you want during sex can change your sex life. Here’s how to do it:
Think about what you’d like to experience during sex that you’re not experiencing at the moment. What would make it more satisfying? Allow yourself to get specific.
Have a conversation outside of sexy time to set an intention to communicate more during sex without getting into specifics. Talk about why this is important. Encourage your partner to make their own list.
Once you’re started an intimate interaction, let things build a bit. Make sure to get into your body. Once you’re feeling connected to your erotic energy and to your partner you can share something you want to try. Let it come from your desire.
You may want to pick one thing at a time so your partner doesn’t feel like everything they’re doing is wrong.
Let it be part of both of your turn ons and your sexy-talk, lingering in your fantasies for a little bit and intensifying your desires.
When something feels good make sure your partner hears about it.
Remember, not all feedback needs to be verbal. Allow yourself to sound out your pleasure and move your body in a way that invites more of what you’re being given.
Make telling each other what you liked as part of your after-care.
This isn’t easy for most of us, given the levels of shame we carry around our sexuality. We also tend to feel humiliation around communicating our needs in the face of rejection.
Honestly, the way I was able to get myself to my current level of comfort with my sexuality and communicating my desires, has everything to do with getting help from a sex coach.
If you’re interested in this work of deshamifying sex, connecting to your desire, knowing you deserve it and asking for what you want, I’m here to help.