What if boundary setting was a piece of cake?

Have you ever said yes when someone asks you to volunteer, even when it means you won’t finish a big, important project?

Do you say yes when you don’t want to? 

Drinks with friends you don’t want to have,

Coffee with people who want to “pick your brain”,

That family reunion you have zero interest in attending … 

It’s a long list.

Saying no can be one of the hardest things to do, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t do it!

There are many reasons why it can be hard to say no and most of them involve trauma. 

As you were growing, it was your job to form your personality and separate from your caretaker.

And that means going after what you want at the moment without reservation. It also includes saying what you don’t want loudly and clearly.

I wish I could go back there sometimes.

But somewhere along the way, your wants start becoming more and more murky and your ability to say no becomes almost nonexistent.

What happened? 

If your attempts to set boundaries were violated, ignored or even lightly made fun of (which probably happened, btw) you started protecting yourself from pain by not trusting your wants and needs. 

And this isn’t to make you angry with the adults who raised you. Adults often don’t take young people seriously. In fact, our society encourages that. 

Over time you learned to protect yourself  so well that saying no could feel like a  real life or death threat. The fear runs so deep that you  don’t realize you didn’t want to say yes until after the fact, and it feels like you’ll never be able to say no. 

The good news is, it doesn’t have to stay that way. 

You can change your automatic response by allowing yourself to feel the fear you were able to get rid of by saying 'yes' when you wanted to say no.

You’re an adult now, that fear can’t hurt you. It’s OK to feel it. In fact, that’s your way out. Feel the fear and know you’ll be OK.

Then say, “no”. 

In Somatic Therapy that’s what we do.