You can’t think your way to desire

So many relationship struggles come down to one thing: unmet needs.

And here’s the tricky part.

For your needs to be met, you have to express them.

But before you can express them, you need to know what they are.

That sounds simple, but for a lot of people, it’s actually really hard.

Most of us didn’t grow up in homes where expressing desires was celebrated. Our parents didn’t know how to honor a child’s wants and set loving boundaries at the same time.

Instead, many of us heard things like:

“You’re being too much.”
“You can’t always get what you want.”
“Don’t be selfish.”
“Stop crying, it’s not a big deal.”
“You should be grateful for what you have.”

Over time, we learned to shut parts of ourselves down.
We started believing things like:

👉 My desires are inconvenient.
👉 My needs are too much.
👉 It’s safer to hide what I want than risk rejection.

When that happens, we start living from the neck up, making “logical” choices about what we should want instead of feeling into what’s actually true for us.

That’s how we end up disconnected from our desires. We use our brain to manage what the body has already spoken.

But the body always knows. It’s constantly sending signals about what feels right, alive, nourishing, or aligned. We’ve just learned to tune them out.

The way back is through re-learning how to listen.

Here’s one simple practice you can try:

Next time you’re deciding what to eat, pause for a moment.

Ask your body: “What would feel nourishing right now?”

Notice what happens inside. Maybe your chest expands, your stomach softens, or you feel a spark of excitement.
Then try imagining another option and notice how your body responds to that.

That’s it. You’re learning to listen again.

The more you practice, the easier it becomes to recognize what you actually want: in food, in love, in life and to express it clearly and confidently.

When you know what you want, you give others the chance to truly meet you there. That’s where intimacy and connection begin.

If you find it hard to identify or express your desires, you’re not alone. It’s something you can absolutely learn.

This is one of the core things I help people with in my coaching: reconnecting to the body, to desire, and to the part of you that knows.